Almost There

      As I pack lightly in my room,I
take a second to sit down and
reminisce on the next three months of my last semester in campus.I can’t say it’s exactly everything I think it would be.To be perfectly honest,campus is overrated.Contrary to popular opinion,campus is not a party hub. People don’t drink the whole day and smoke till sunset,the girls don’t bare it all in broad daylight (but it’s still debatable),and the guys don’t switch girls everyday
(still debatable).My point is,there is more to it other than the whole cliché school of thought about it. I know everyone would expect the whole party animal act but I am sorry to disappoint anyone in that line of thought.It has been an uneventful four months.
          A friend recently dropped by and with much excitement in his eyes,asked me how campus life has been.At that very moment it hit me that I had almost nothing to say;nothing exciting to the ears of a form four leaver and campus hopeful anyway.I mean,how could I begin to tell him about how interesting economics class was and how I attended every lecture?
         That’s how you lose friends!I
could see the disappointment on my friends face when I explained how uneventful it was.Now am pretty sure I top the list of the biggest idiots he’s ever met.He was waiting to hear of my endless drinking spree and partying escapades.So yes,I didn’t drink myself silly,I never woke up next to a strange girl,I never smoked
any illegal herbs (maybe once or
twice) and I definitely didn’t take
part in an orgy[yes,that happens].I
spent half my time in bed in an
awfully quiet and isolated room
watching orange,movies,sometimes poking into the field to play non-competitive football,is the new black and the other half is split between getting angry at the slow internet connection in the campus while trying to download Nick Dee’s top 40,Act of Valor, Apocalypto,Orphan Black and
lining in line for hours at Student centre trying to get that football match.I swear I have never survived this much in my life.
      Forget high school,ten shillings has never had a bigger meaning than in the last four months.My stomach has been subjected to
very odd foods so much that now I
think am allergic to fast foods or
anything that actually tastes good.
Now,on top of all that,add women
into the picture.There is nothing
heartbreaking as a girl asking you to buy her a cocktail after class and you only have fifty shillings at hand.Buying that cocktail completely ruins your whole budget.It means skipping lunch, foregoing buying airtime and
probably not stopping by at your
mutura guy.See women think we are something close to being superhuman who need not eat.They somehow think that we are at their mercy whenever they please,mistaking a privilege for a favour.
        However,my last semester is not completely dull and full of hunger.Am making friends,some interesting,some different and some not worth talking about. From the reggae guy who listens to Kelly Clarkson (it’s still a shocker to me,Bob Marley meets
Bono scenario?),the weird neighbour who never holds a conversation with any female species for more than two minutes,to the big guy in the hostel’s common room who has an opinion about everything.I cannot leave out the guy with the larger than life ego.It’s safe to say I have made friends with misfits.
       On love,I couldn’t be further from getting Mrs.Right,if she exists anyway.Anyway,those are just imaginations.None is perfcet,but some are better than others.For some strange reason,my understanding of girls has become more twisted.A few damsels crossed my way. Starting with the lass with the awkward smile to the damsel who knocked me off my feet just to give me blows while I was down.It wouldn’t be much of a shock if a crystal ball showed me still dreaming of marrying Olivia Wilde 20 years from now while my kinsmen are all married and
“happy’’.My dreams my be unlogical…but valid.Bottom line is,there is someone out there,thats a secret between I,me,myself and I.
   All in all,campus life is coming to an end.My 8-4-4 system is ending.
       *****
    Cheers!!!

Advertisements

Campus Merories…..Saying Bye to 8-4-4

          In three months time,am going to be saying bye to the 8-4-4.Time has moved really fast.Happy is a man I am.Campus life has not been easy nor hard.It has got its ups and downs.4 years I can look back to and say they have been the best times of my education life.Campus is fun.To make you understand how a calf is sired,let me take you back to the mating stage.
     The first day I stepped into Egerton I was under the company of my big brother-turned-medical biochemist;Tobias,who had strict instructions from Kinara Nyaema (our old man) to register me into the school.He never did.I mean,it’s not everyday a big brother registers his young’un into campus before he,himself,even joins first year.Aye? Heheh,I just had to shove that to his face.But that’s not why he didn’t register me.
       As it turns out,my confused self had left my x-ray (which was necessary as per the old professors)back home,thereby declaring the whole process null and void.That was on a Friday.The birth certificate was sent through Smartline Coach by my old man
on Saturday and Tobby travelled back home to visit the old fogeys on Sunday.I left my friend’s place
on Sunday evening and registered the next morning.On Monday.I endured line after line until I finally
finished the whole process.
      Occasionally,I would get lost
somewhere within the school and I’d call Alfonso* (not his real name),a friend who ended up being a roommate,since he had had the experience,through the assistance of his brother,an alumni,for
directions.You know how in high
school,on your first day,you’re
assigned a ‘Guardian’? Yeah.Well,
apparently,before he left,Tobby had
told Alfonso to be my ‘Guardian’.
Now Alfonso was a fresha just like me but with mere experience,tall
hefty chap with a stomach just a few inches shy of Kibaki’s and a knack for anything in a skirt.Or a protruding chest.
     He was probably too busy getting laid (as is the campus norm) to worry his a** about a confused first year.A real nigga nevertheless,once he started buying me beers,we became ‘boys’.Drinks on me next weekend, Sir.
     ****
My first year was quiet,seeing as I
was always the silent one. Probably still am.Always keeping to myself,observing keenly everyone and everything around me.Taking notes.I learnt a lot during that first semester only. Probably much more than I took home during my Econometrics
classes the previous year.I had a roommate by the name of Jason Mogire.If you’ve heard of that name elsewhere then it’s probably from an outfit known as Descientie Inc,which,together with his best friend,they founded and I happen to be an ‘affiliate’ of.The ninja has done well for himself,good for him.
           But first year wasn’t always
rosy.We (actually he…seeing as it
was his) had only a radio in our
room.No woofer.Just a typical radio,from which we’d always catch the latest music in town, listen to Miss Mandi’s ‘The Morning After’ every day before class and rush back in the evening for a date with the crazy Jeremy Odhiambo a.k.a Saliva Vic on
91.5 Hits.(I regret having listened to such stuff)To this day,I fringe in
my seat whenever someone tells me Maina Kageni is the King of Radio.I mean,have you listened to this dude bana ?!!
      Jason was the room’s Batman.Always bringing ‘home’ the cute girls,I owe my very first hug from a lady in campus to him. But on the topic of ‘Exile’,we had a rule.He was only allowed to bring a lady to spend the time with when others have a class or during the weekends,when the other was away.I was oftenly at my former high school friend’s place in Nakuru during the weekends.He the one who always persuaded me to go and it proved as a way of slowing down the weekend
expenditures and thwarting peer
pressure.Everyone gets his/her
‘freaky’ out in campus on the
weekends,a lot of money is spent on women and booze. Money which could be saved for more meaningful use.
      Those days when I barely spent a meager 50-baab per meal, I couldn’t bear spending a cent more on booze.That would’ve subjected me to untold bankruptcy.And when you’re broke
in campus and you don’t know
anyone,son, sh*t never gets any
realer.Been there,done that.Trust
me,living in Turkana will seem like a haven.
***
     First years,campus is a different
world.Depending on your personality,campus could be the
devils playground or Disneyland.
Nobody gives a sh*t about you here.Your business is your business.If you want to drink your brains silly and crap in your pants, the best I can do for you is tuck you neatly by the bushes beside the road so you don’t get run over by an oncoming vehicle.‘Be your brother’s keeper’ is a phrase
that applies only to the birds around here.Know who you hang around, fake friends come with wider smiles than a Colgate ad. And in plenty.The very bimbo you consider your ‘closest’ friend could turn out to be your downfall; stabbing you in the back at every opportunity,laying the very damsel you’ve had your eyes on since day one.
        Attend classes.If you don’t attend classes in first year, you probably never will.If you were the ‘bad boy’ in your school,that was then.This is campus,not high school…where students report bullies to the administration for punishment.Respect is earned the right way around here,not by pushing the smaller fellas left,right and centre.Stand out from your peers,not by crook.Your I.Qs will be put to tests here.You’ll be forced to make judgment calls and discern right from wrong.You do what you want to do,whenever you want to do it,and with absolutely no one on your back.
          Ladies,keep your damn legs closed already.Don’t think you are the newest bitch around.There have been better bitches before you joined and there will be badder bitches after you leave campus.Remember you’re young and wild with numerous suitors,but once you finish campus,and you’re approaching 25 and above huwa ‘umechoka’ na maybe ‘umeraruka’  depending on how loose you were in campus.Men will always look younger even in their 40s.Thats why its easier for older men like lecturers to shag younger ladies like campus ladies,and not vice versa.
      I’m not saying there are no Romeos here,I’m just saying boys will always be boys.This is Generation Y;lust is the blood that flows through our veins.Don’t wait for an ‘I love you’ text when all you keep getting are ‘Am horny’ messages.That brute will not as much as remember your birthday when he lifts his face up
from ‘down there’.Make friends with the bookworms.(Sorry for that,I never made one)They sure come in handy when ‘Maths for Science’ assignments are issued and you have absolutely no idea what the value of x is.And they
will never miss a single class,so they could sign against your name once in a while on those attendance sheets when you’re in bed nursing your.Monday blues.Or getting laid.
      Social media statistics puts 70% of women in relationships while 30% of men single and openly mingling.Someone’s lying somewhere.Men…er,boys,never spend your money on a girl you just met.She’s never worth a
dime.Girls,trust a man with anything else but not your heart. Or your ‘cookie’.One point of correction though,not all men are dogs.You only get the type of men the way you carry yourself around.Unless you’ve been with all of them,in which case,you’re worse than a dog.Am just saying.
       If you have to go out, always tag along that one sober friend who never gets wasted.I’ve been around too long to know that a gang of drunkards never have a good story to tell.The outcome
is always the same;bottles broken
and heads smashed.Take that to the bank.
        One more thing, people die around here. Whether it is by drowning at the swimming pool,the Njoro Caves,accidents at the hostels,bar fights,drug intoxications,failed abortions,love triangles or gun shots,death is real.And to answer your question, Yes,people get shot too.Don’t make enemies.Protect your life.
All in all,first year is fun.Live it,
love it.Take alcohol as much as you please, hop from as many beds as you deem fit.Attend events,get wasted,have one-night stands.Screw your brains so hard you don’t recognize the person you see in the mirror the next morning.Just make sure you
don’t regret any second of it.And
don’t get supplementaries.But above all,never forget your morals.
        In less than 3 months,am not gonna be a student anymore,but a real citizen ready to hustle my life in the job/jobless market.They say experience comes with age,but sometimes age comes alone.We can despise that.The hand you are delt with is determinism.The way you play its free-will.
      *****
     Bye 8-4-4….welcome to the outside world young man….!!!

Kenyan Female Campus Students And Their Freebies

     The reason,it is said, why so many female university students were heavy casualties of the Al
shabaab in the Garissa genocide is because the female students were allegedly enticed that they
will be spared as Islam forbids killing of women.
      In this country,the most disengaged group of citizens are female university students.Most
female students never engage in contemporary public issues – meaning they are well educated but with minds that are as closed as Migingo Island.
    Too few female students want to know the politics going on around them.In fact,the mention of politics ‘turns off’ so many female students – and so many so called ‘career women’ (former female
students) in the professions. Watching broadcast news or reading print on current affairs in
universities is a luxury,if not a leisure undertaking.
          There are female students who’ve watched the whole of Empire or the last episode of Scandal but ask them who is the Inspector General of the Police and you see the underwhelming emptiness I’m talking about.Many female students are stuck in the mud of time; wasting away in their castles of beauty (even when non exists) and social indifference to public affairs.
       And this is not just female students alone.I had,and still have, a very low opinion of male students who care about nothing in their environments save for their coursework and the female students they fuck…these fellows have their days set between
hostel beds and lecture halls.
Then there is the other tragedy in Kenyan universities-submission.
        University students in this country are submissive to any and all authority.This is explainable.It has everything to do with how both parents and university administrators socialize students.
My son/daughter,don’t get yourself in trouble.Don’t be an activist.You risk being suspended or expelled. Avoid bad company,avoid group-think,avoid this,avoid that blah blah blah.
      And when students raise their voices;when they question wrongs, or curious stuff happening around
them,and dare act,they get suspended and expelled in droves. You saw it at Kenyatta University after March 4.So you find young people at the university who
can’t join any cause.Can’t raise their voices.Can’t stand up for themselves.Why?Because not only
do they lack the ideological core and intellectual discipline to ‘stand their ground’, they are also fearful and frightened and timid-containers!
     That’s why you find in some universities the watchmen is more powerful than the student.I’m not saying students should disobey authority but each must question authority.Female students must start to avoid the freebies of being female.They must get out of their gendered ignorance.Times are uncertain and so female students must not just know their ‘beb’.
       How did so many female students believe that terrorists
would spare them?Didn’t they know that these people-the terrorists-also have the promise of
72 virgins?
    Finally,I urge students,both male and female,to be abreast with contemporary social forces at play.Students must be proactive in questioning capitalism and its other variants-corporatism,elite greed,financialization,military-industrial complexes,media-industrial complexes,white-
savior industrial complexes,etc etc.
      Which university in this country has a centre,or institute for terrorism studies?In this country our experience with terrorism,if we aren’t victims,we are just observers,just standers-by.We see victims of terrorists,and killed terrorists as propagated by the media.The problem with the Kenyan media is that it covers terrorism according to who pays. Whoever pays determine who is to
be blamed for it.We know nothing about terrorism as an ideology.We have no ‘safety guide’ to tell us
what to do when terror strikes so we turn for our usual culprits-so and so.
     Be all these as they may,female students should be interested in knowing something beyond CU, and movie series and books and sex and fashion and weaves and wigs and shoes.To be disinterested in what’s going on now is to be careless with your life.
#RIPGarissaComrades

Internship Requirements

    While an internship is the lowest entry level position you can land, for some it is hard.It does not require experience,but there are some skills that most employers are looking for.What are some of the skills employers look for in
interns.
     Time management skills
    Do you find that you rush from task to task without ever finishing anything?This shows that you have poor time management skills.To improve,understand what is urgent in your list of duties and tackle that first.
      For effective time management skills,a HR Associate at Jumia Kenya advices that interns should be punctual in the morning and leave a bit late in the evening. This gives you time to execute all duties of the day.
      Communication skills
    So you think writing ‘xaxa’ or ‘fwend’ makes you cool?This is an indication that your communication skills need to improve.How well you pass on information to others is a measure of how good your communication skills are.
     For example,having the ability to speak properly while maintaining good eye contact, tailoring your language to your audience,listening, presenting
your ideas in a well crafted manner and writing clearly requires good communication skills.
        Positive Attitude
       Employers want someone who is optimistic.This does not necessarily mean someone who is
always smiling,but someone who is positive when faced with challenges.
      This is an attitude that sees the glass half full instead of half empty.You can never be taught on
how to have a good attitude so instead of focusing on the technical skill you learnt in school,
being positive goes a long way.A positive attitude is achieved by thinking positive thoughts, focusing on your strengths and having confidence in them.
Important skills that employers look for in interns
         Initiative
      Are you someone who can work on their own and take opportunities that will benefit the employer? If you answered yes, that is initiative.It requires
creative thinking,confidence and knowledge.In an interview demonstrate this by asking well
thought out questions such as “what are your expectations of me in this role”.For those in internships come up with new proposals and ideas.
   “When coming up with new ideas;analyze the methods that the organization uses and propose a better method.You can even offer to demonstrate through a meeting or practically doing it.As long
as it meets the target,” says Vincent Macharia,a HR Officer at The Copy Cat Limited.
        Commitment
   “If you’re interested in something,you’ll do it if it is convenient.If you’re committed to something,you’ll do it no matter what.”Commitment is different from interest and involves
the following being punctual (do not be late for an interview), respecting workplace rules such as dress code,personal phone use or office romances and attending meetings.For those already in internships make sure you
finish your internship program.
“Finishing your whole internship helps show the aspect of commitment to your future employer,”Mr. Githaiga advices.
         If you do not possess all the skills mentioned above,get there a little step at a time by honing
these skills in your daily activities.

Educated Bitches

You dreamt of dating a campus lady,only to marry
a Kindergarten drop-out? Relax,boss! Even great
men compromised on love: In chapter 6 of ‘Facing
Mount Kenya'(1938),Kenyatta tells us how cute
female circumcision is,only for him to date his
student,the young uncircumcised Ngina Muhoho
when he’s Deputy Principal of Githunguri Teacher
Training(1946-50s);At Makerere,Kibaki hoped to be
a career lecturer with a graduate wife,only to be
recalled to Kenya by Tom Mboya& then sent to
Githunguri to recruit KANU members(1960s)with
Kibaki driving to Kambui Teachers’ College to date
Lucy Muthoni with the help of his ex-schoolmate,J
ohn Michuki(who knew Lucy even b4 Kibaki met
her);Ruto confessed to a televised K.U graduation_
attendees(around 2010)how he frequented K.U to
date Rachel,a teacher trainee.He met her via
C.U,after initial frustration with his fellow Nairobi
University Kalenjin beauties.

I Dream

      I dream of a world where people live in peace with each other,with their neighbours.A world where the colour of one’s skin is not a mark of identity but just skin colour…I dream of a world where
people are not judged by the amount of wealth they possess,where you don’t have to buy respect,good service and good medical care.I dream of a world where humans are not driven by
greed, the urge to pile,stack and hoard monies for themselves alone;not caring an inch about
the next person.
      I dream of a world where people are not in constant competition to become prettier, better and more successful than the next person.Can’t we all get along and share the pie in equal
measure?I dream of a world devoid of tribalism.A world where I won’t be judged because of where I come from rather than what I stand for.
       I dream of a country where I don’t have to know somebody somewhere in order to get a dream job at some big shot company.I dream of a world where there is justice and fairness for all.
        I dream of a world where people respect the beliefs of others without judging,without discrimination.And the people feel safe enough to worship as they desire,not shoving down their
beliefs down other people’s throats.I desire a country where the Muslims respect the Christians
and the Christians return the favour.Why must we slaughter and slit each other’s throats to
prove a point?I dream of a country devoid of cruelty.Where the
government works to protect the constitution and the citizens…and the citizens observe the rule of
law and respect it.I dream of a country where harmony reigns and people are happy.
    I dream of world where success is not measured in terms of the money one has amassed.I dream
of a world where the greatest givers are more celebrated.The nuns slaving away in remote
villages in the neglected parts of the world,treating women and children,giving them a glimmer of hope; that tomorrow will be a better day.
      I desire a country where corporates are not in a competition to seem more charitable than the others.Where donating food and clothing to
Children’s Home is not a publicity gimmick but a genuine act of kindness.Where people are concerned about the plight of their fellow humans and are willing to elevate them to a higher level,that they may stop being dependants.
I desire so many things.Sadly,we are not living in Utopia.We all are aggressive and selfish, wanting the best for ourselves alone.We preach water and drink lots of aged wine.We are masters of deceit.We want to take all the credit.
      We reap where we did not sow.We feast as others just outside our gates die of starvation.
The world is too unfair that we’ve adjusted to the unfairness.“Accept and move on” has become our slogan.In our youth we desire to change the world but the world wisens us up and we learn that freedom fighters often end up suffering the most.And we
learn to ignore the injustices around us, if it’s not happening to us then it doesn’t matter really,not
my business.And we shut our eyes,accept and move on.We cower and conform to society for
our own safety.Selfishness….or is it cowardice?
      I desire to live in a world where people are celebrated for being different,for standing for what they belief in.A world where people are not fired from their jobs for questioning authorities and kids are not expelled from school for being “queer”.I want a terrorism free Kenya.The Kenya we all felt safe in back in the days.A Kenya where we don’t have to fidget and exchange knowing glances when a Somali man carrying a bag enters
a building or a bus.A peaceful Kenya where the security forces do their work and the state compensates them as required.A Kenya where the men fighting and guarding our borders is paid more than the MCA who just sits down and eats fancy meals at fancy restaurant.
      We need serious reforms…but who will save us?For how long must we weep for the dead?
      Happy festive season.
     
      I dream.

Men are smart too

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were
getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, “I don’t feel like it , I just want
you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on
the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs
as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
“Can’t you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that
night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of
work to spend time with her. We went out to a
nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store . I walked around with
her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one
to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”
We went on to the jewelry department where
she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you… she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to
play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
“That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing
sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation,
she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s
go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it. ”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
dropped with a baffled,
“WHAT?”
I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my
financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was
going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love
me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you? ”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but
at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.